


Brushstrokes

by thegrumpiestkuki



Series: Afterwards [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Heavily Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Urie is needy Mutsuki is distant can I make it anymore obvious, Work on eye contact geez
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:22:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25443862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegrumpiestkuki/pseuds/thegrumpiestkuki
Summary: Urie fears the complete loss of his family that he didn’t truly appreciate until it was too late. Following the end of the war against ghouls he has moved in with his squad mate turned friend-Saiko- but a certain Mutsuki-shaped hole remains in his heart. Touka’s advice is terrible and Kaneki is too caught up in books to be of proper help so he musters his own courage to admit to the secrets weighing on his soul.
Relationships: Mutsuki Tooru & Urie Kuki, Mutsuki Tooru/Urie Kuki, hinted Ching-Li Hsiao/Saiko Yonebayashi, hinted Touka Kirishima/Ken Kaneki
Series: Afterwards [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842880
Comments: 9
Kudos: 18





	Brushstrokes

**Author's Note:**

> My inspiration was the Rushima arc where Urie’s inner monologue is just Mutsuki on repeat.
> 
> My tumblr is [thegrumpiestkuki.](http://thegrumpiestkuki.tumblr.com.) feel free to ask for headcannons/send prompts

Electronic beeps echoed through the apartment, alerting Urie that his formerly NEET roommate had arisen at an unlikely hour that morning. Although Saiko had matured a great deal since he’d met her, she still retained hobbies he once looked down upon. But now…now he just appreciated the things in his life that hadn’t changed. Following the end of the war against ghouls and the downfall of the CCG he and Saiko had moved in together. Surprising everyone, he had been the one to ask, to which she squealed with delight and demanded the bigger bedroom. To everyone else it seemed only natural that two former squad members would want to live together after everything. Consciously though, he knew he was doing it out of a selfish desperation to keep what remained of his family as close to him as possible before they would leave. The lease would last at least a year. A year left with his remaining family. A year that had quickly dwindled into three months. Urie knew Saiko would want to leave eventually, after all she’d been awfully close to Hsiao as of late. Fortunately, she hadn’t seemed suspicious of his recent appeasing nature to her every demand. Pancakes for dinner? Watch your health but sure. Camping out at a store at 3am to be the first to buy a new figurine? Bring your weapons to remain safe. Incessant rambling about characters from a new manga she bought? Active listening. He wondered if Mutsuki would have noticed. Mutsuki…

Urie cleared his throat as a cross-legged figure wearing hello kitty pyjamas and holding a controller came into view.

Saiko paused her game and turned to grin at him “Urie! Want to play a round with me? I’ve been working on my high score all night”

“(Up all night long I see) I actually wanted to talk to you about something. Mutsuki is visiting today, he got the weekend off”

“Ooh Muuchan? I’ve been missing him. He didn’t tell me that he was coming anytime soon. How come he told _you_?” She pouted but he could tell that it was playful. Her eyes held the same glimmer of glee as that time she pretended to be upset with him so that he would concede to seeing a midnight screening of a new film.

“I was only told this morning. He wasn’t sure if you would be awake to inform”

Saiko let out a half cackle-half giggle which Urie assumed was derived from her sleep deprived state “I guess that’s fair” she conceded “What time will he be here? What are we going to do with him today?”

“(About that, I- Tooru is…that is he…to me) Actually-“

“Oh. I see” She said in a tone that was far too knowing for Urie’s liking. She swapped the controller in her hand for her phone that had been discarded on the carpet and dialed a number before holding it to her ear “Hey, want to go on a date today? I’m thinking an extra loooooong date that will last a few hours”

Urie flushed, already dreading the teasing that was sure to follow. She never did outgrow being a brat. But still, he supposed he would still get the alone time he tried to request. Really, he ought to have thanked her, not that he would of course.

“What time?” She questioned.

“He’ll get here at 9:40”

“9:30 it is! See you soon” Saiko pressed the end call button and crossed her arms, a smug look upon her face.

“Saiko- (Thank you. You didn’t have to be so god damn obvious though. How embarrassing).

Her smile softened and she got up from the spot she had presumably spent all night in, reaching out to pat his shoulder before walking off to get ready “Saiko still gets to have dinner with him, you don’t get to hog Muuchan all weekend”

Urie scoffed but didn’t argue.

He loved his family but even he could not romanticize the Cheeto stains left on the couch by Saiko. They would have to be cleaned before Mutsuki gets there.

*****

He gently dabbed the brush into the pale green paint splotched upon his palette before drawing the final thin, long strokes onto the Canvas. The colour followed him everywhere, from glimpses of green haired strangers that made him glance to the strands that suffocated every fiber of his being as he slept. Kaneki was muttering some useless shit about artistic output aiding the tortured soul one day and Urie, being as desperate as he was, decided to try it. Not that it had helped at all. As soon as he lost focus on a task his mind would drift to one singular topic. It was shameful really, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel more than a little guilt for his feelings alone. If anyone deserved that kind of devotion it was Mutsuki. Urie did however feel guilty for two things that plagued his soul. The day that Mutsuki had left them, Urie retrieved his old CCG file from a former superior and kept it under his bed. He really hadn’t intended to read it, but nine months had passed and Mutsuki only called so often, with little promise of returning home with them.

The file had labelled him as a murderer, suspected of killing his family with an axe as a child. The guilt weighed heavily on him after the day he read it, but he didn’t regret it, he couldn’t. Mutsuki barely spoke to them anymore, citing work, but Urie knew he was pushing them away. Since then he had spent countless hours wondering what the truth was behind Mutsuki’s childhood and then, even more hours struggling with guilt of even knowing such things. When he had received the phone call that morning Urie knew that he had face Mutsuki and tell him of his breach of privacy. He had to tell him everything before he would lose him permanently. At least if Mutsuki hated him maybe he could find the will to move on. The other thing he supposed god would deal divine punishment unto him for. He didn’t like to think about it other than moments of weakness. Maybe he wouldn’t tell him everything.

Saiko poked her head into the room, a cheeky grin adorning her face “Ohhh Urie, you silly cookie”

“(Not knocking, I see. What now? Tooru will be here soon. I wanted to greet him alone) Yeah?”

“Saiko thinks you should tell Muuchan you love him already. Don’t be a chicken this time okay? Kay gotta go I have my hot girlfriend to kiss now bye” and with that she quickly shut the door and ran off to do exactly that, Urie assumed.

As much as Saiko’s direct nature got on his nerves sometimes it was something that he envied. He was happy for her and Hsiao but couldn’t help but wish it were that easy for him, to simply fall mutually in love without conflict and without distance that felt longer each passing day. For that reason, he chose not to confide his feelings for Mutsuki to the happy couple. Saiko, however, was not content with secrets being kept from her and snuck into his room one day, uncovering his embarrassingly blatantly obvious secret. That day he had to count to a hundred instead of the usual ten to keep his calm.

The day after Mutsuki left, Urie had found himself at Kaneki and Touka’s home after almost talking himself out of it several times. He had never valued Kaneki’s opinion when he was Sasaki but after the defense of Tokyo, they began to rebuild their broken relationship. Awkward greetings turned into genuine conversations and from previous discontentment, mutual respect and care grew, albeit, slightly stifled on Urie’s end. Although visiting the two had become commonplace for Saiko and Urie as a pair, he seldom did it alone. That day however, Urie sought their advice for confessing his feelings for Mutsuki after being unable to find the right words. They had experienced distance and feelings of unworthiness, after all. Surely, they would have profound advice.

_“Ask if he’s a virgin” Touka smirked as she leaned against the kitchen counter holding her swollen stomach “Worked for me”_

_Urie spluttered on his coffee, allowing the boiling droplets to cascade onto the formerly white tablecloth._

_“Hah. He even reacted the same way”_

_“Touka!” Protested a red-cheeked Kaneki “I don’t want any of my former children having children yet”_

_“Children? You’re only a few years older than me (Who does he think he is? Patronizing me)”_

_Kaneki’s eyes widened at Urie’s tone, sensing his sour mood and quickly continued “Anyway, Urie probably wants to do something more subtle and romantic to express his feelings”_

“ _(That’s more like it) What do you recommend?”_

_“How about a nice book for a frame of reference? You know lately I have delved into the romance genre and-”_

_Urie hoped that the way he looks when he thinks about Mutsuki is not as disgusting as Kaneki when he thinks about books. He tuned out slightly as Kaneki began to ramble. What a dork. Urie wondered if the ghouls would still respect him if they knew Haise Sasaki went to bed with grandma hair curlers every night._

_“Kaneki- I was actually thinking something less... flowery (lame). I just want him to know everything. Why are you two so calm about this anyway? Aren’t you going to tell me that he’s a lost cause or whatever” He knew he was being needlessly combative, but being around couples who have gone from friends to lovers without a second thought had been stifling. Mutsuki had left without a second thought. A book? If a book was all it took he would have done that years ago. No. Mutsuki deserved more than deceptively pretty words._

_Touka and Kaneki shared an amused look._

_“I figured you were somewhat interested when we all lived together. You were always the least rude to him”_

_“It was also pretty obvious when you kept up the lovesick expression after he stabbed a pregnant woman”_

_“(Shit) Touka I-He…I know he’s sorry for that. It was his mental health at the time. That’s why he’s shutting himself away from everyone because he feels like he doesn’t deserve love”_

_“Hey” Touka said gently, reaching out to hold his shoulder “I know. You don’t need to explain to me. We’ve all been shitty to each other at some point. We’re a victim of our circumstances. I do want to talk to him when he’s ready though, I promise I won’t kick his ass”_

_“Just know that when he comes back, he’s still a part of the family. He just needs to realise that” Echoed Kaneki, smiling of all things, before ruining the moment “Also, please use protection”_

_Urie was sure that if Shirazu could see him now he would be laughing, the bastard._

A small, uncertain knock rattled against the apartment door and Urie started out of his haze, hurriedly wiping the paint from his hands, cursing the blue paint from earlier that was determined to remain on his fingers. He opened the apartment door and was greeted with the sight of Mutsuki who was fumbling with a loose thread on his jumper.

“Hi, Urie”

“Hi, Mutsuki” He didn’t look well. Even under his bulky winter clothes Urie could tell that Mutsuki had lost a significant amount of weight. Darkened shadows rested under his eyes looking as though they had been there for months. Urie resolved to feed him lots of food at dinner.

“So, uh. Can I come in? It’s kinda cold”

“(Idiot, I should have welcomed Tooru in to start off with) Of course, sorry about that” It’s too stiff. Too formal. It has been too long since they’ve been comfortable around each other.

Urie joined Mutsuki on the couch and began to wonder where to even start. He’d been planning out what he was going to say since Mutsuki last left but now that he was here it was if his mind had gone blank.

“So” He said, desperately looking for a segue into what he really wanted to talk about “How’s work?”

He was rewarded with a shy, teasing grin “I come all this way and you want to talk about work”

“I-No! I was just…you never talk to me about anything really these days and I just want to know about your life”

Mutsuki tensed and Urie began to panic about this sudden fuck up.

He reached out to grab Mutsuki’s hand “Fuck, I mean, I just miss you (Please don’t let this ruin your trip. I’m sorry. Please talk to me)”

He stared at Urie’s hand which was anxiously gripping his own “You aren’t wearing gloves”

“Ah, yes” His last pair had been ruined in the washing machine by Saiko during her first and final attempt at laundry and couldn’t be salvaged, yet when he went shopping for a new pair he no longer felt the need “I don’t really wear them anymore”

Mutsuki gave a slight squeeze before letting go “Your hands are soft”

“Thanks” Urie cursed the stubborn paint that had escaped his attempts to wipe it off earlier.

“Work is busy. The people are nice to me though, which is good. Not nice as you guys, though. I’ve been talking to Juuzou a lot” He admitted, glancing furtively at Urie, as if to discern any anger towards his avoidance of him and Saiko.

“(You seem tense) I know. I mean, about Juuzou. He told me that the two of you speak often” Urie said, in hopes of alleviating the awkwardness of the situation. However, judging by Mutsuki’s slight wince, this was not the correct thing to say.

His eyes widened, fingernails digging harshly into his palms. Urie itched to pull them away. “He tells you what we talk about?”

Shit. Communication was a lot more difficult than it seems when it’s with someone you care about. Gone are the days when all he had to do was suck up for a promotion. “No! No he wouldn’t betray your trust like that (probably). He just tells me the important stuff. I just wanted to know if you were doing okay, and Saiko of course” He added on as an afterthought.

Mutsuki sagged slightly in relief “Oh, that’s good. Not that I’m hiding anything from you”

He was lying. Mutsuki had always been bad at it. Urie used to internally berate him for it, along with other discouraging comments, but now he was just anxious. Before there were stupid things to lie about such as dishes left in the sink, or snacks stolen, but now the stakes were higher. He didn’t want to risk losing him when Mutsuki already so far from his grasp. He envied Juuzou and wished that Mutsuki could trust him like that. Perhaps that bitterness was what had finally driven him to read the file in the first place, his own selfish interests as usual. Maybe he would even hate Juuzou if he hadn’t walked on him and Hanbee shirtless in Juuzou’s apartment two months ago. Hanbee had protested that it wasn’t what it looked like and knowing Juuzou’s erratic nature, it probably wasn’t. The way that Hanbee looked at his former squad leader wasn’t exactly platonic in nature either though, and that was enough for Urie to write Juuzou off as a rival.

As if noting Urie’s internal dialogue, Mutsuki continued the conversation “I’ve been talking to a therapist. Over the phone. It’s helping…I think. We talked about what I did to Kaneki and his wife”

“Juuzou said that you sent Kaneki and Touka a Letter to apologise. Did they respond?” He hoped that this was okay to mention.

He sighed, wrapping his arms around himself and tucking his legs in. A defensive position. “Yeah, but I didn’t give them a chance to respond. I didn’t give a return address”

“Why?”

He frowned, eyes hardening. “I don’t deserve their forgiveness”

“Mutsuki (You do. Please just talk to us. Let us in)”

“Don’t start, Urie. Please” He begged, the cracks in his temporary mental stability starting to show as he clawed desperately at his pants “I tried to kill Touka, I almost killed Kaneki and you!”

“You wouldn’t have killed me” Urie asserted firmly, and he really does believe it. Mutsuki may have made harmful decisions but his heart has always been paved with good intentions when it came to him, Saiko and Shirazu.

Mutsuki looked down but not before Urie caught sight of a stray tear falling down his cheek. “You don’t know everything I’ve done”

“Mutsuki (Please don’t hate me for this, Tooru)” He paused. “What if I told you I did?”

He looked up again, tears muddled in confusion and slight anger as if he can’t quite believe what he just heard “What did you say?”

Urie clenched his fist preparing to be yelled at, threatened even. It’s what he deserved but he still couldn’t regret it. “I read your file, Mutsuki. I know everything”

“You” Mutsuki let out a soft cry “How could you do that to me? That was personal information!”

“I know (I’m sorry)”

He moved from his previous position on the sofa, hovering over urie who shrunk back, with a slightly raised first as his voice loses stability “You had _no right_. You had no **_fucking_** right. **You piece of shit! What, you think I’m a monster now? Is that why you told me to visit? To come one last time as if we’re a stupid shitty family only to slam it in my face?** ”

Urie unclenched his fists, closing his eyes and bracing himself “You’re right about a lot of things”

Mutsuki let out a frustrated yell and pulled back his fist, ready to hit.

Urie raised his voice slightly “But you are wrong about us not loving you (I love you, Tooru). We’ll always be your family. I am a shitty friend for betraying your trust and privacy. I’m sorry I really am, but I don’t regret it. You didn’t think we’d accept all of you, did you? That’s why you’re running away. That’s why you never call. That’s why you won’t accept that we love you no matter what”

The blow that he’s waiting for hits his chest instead of his face, weak with sorrow rather than vengeance. Mutsuki collapsed on top of him in a sobbing heap, gasping for air every few seconds. Urie wrapped his arms around him, stroking his back softly.

“I’m sorry” Urie murmured thickly as tears began to fill his own eyes. He couldn’t even bring himself to be ashamed for showing weakness. Because of Mutsuki his weakness is no longer shameful. Because of Mutsuki he has become a better person “I’m a terrible friend (I hope you’ll forgive me but I’ll understand if you never do)”

Mutsuki made an effort to calm his crying before finally speaking, though his throat remained scratchy “I’m sorry for leaving you and Saiko and for running away. I’m a coward”

“I don’t care” Urie ceased his previous actions and hugged him properly “You’re you and that’s all we care about”

Mutsuki shuffled to move back and Urie loosened his grip. Mutsuki sat back, straddling him and Urie stared into his teary eyes. Mutsuki’s face may have been slightly splotchy, and his nose red, but Urie didn’t think he’d ever seen someone so beautiful.

“Juuzou is right. You really do care about me”

Urie’s mind reeled. He and Juuzou talked about him? Did Juuzou know that Urie was in love with Mutsuki? Did Mutsuki know? “I do” he admitted.

Mutsuki wiped at the remaining tears on his face and sniffed “Like how?”

“Like…” Urie hesitated. This was the moment he had been waiting for but it didn’t feel quite right yet. He had always struggled with words when talking to others and apparently expressions of love were no different. He hoped that Shirazu would be proud of him for finally showing his emotions. If he were here, surely, he would have teased Urie too. He grabbed Mutsuki’s hand and pulled them both off the couch “I’ll show you”

*****

He led Mutsuki to his bedroom. A place usually off limits to visitors. It was his sanctuary to paint whatever his heart desired and what his heart desires is…

“o-oh they’re all of me” Mutsuki whispered, looking slightly shocked as the tops of his cheeks coloured in a soft tinge of pink. He glanced at the dozen canvases of him. Mutsuki attempting to read one of Sasaki’s books. Mutsuki cradling a cup of coffee at re. Mutsuki at the auction. Mutsuki. Mutsuki. Mutsuki.

“Yeah. I didn’t want to forget what you looked like. I didn’t know if you’d come back. (You’re nice to look at)”

“I’m sorry” Urie was familiar with that particular brand of shame and he hated to see it on Mutsuki’s face. The guilt of not being there for the ones you love.

“Don’t be, you had your reasons (I forgive you)”

“Are you sure you really want so many of me around though?” Mutsuki chuckled self deprecatingly

His throat felt dry and he wasn’t entirely sure if it were just from the tears “There’s no one I’d rather look at (If only you were still here all the time)”

Mutsuki swallowed “After everything, you’re sure?”

Urie nodded, looking to the side “(You are more than your worst moments, Tooru) I love you. I’m in love with you”

“You know…I think I’m in love with you too”

“Yeah?” He croaked, eyes snapping back to meet Mutsuki’s. He hadn’t realised how close they were. He wondered if he should move back to give Mutsuki space

His green eyes were swimming with a multitude of emotions. Anger, fear, longing, love. “Actually, I’m sure of it”

**Oh.**

Mutsuki’s arms wrapped around Urie’s neck, leaving them almost close enough to kiss, but not quite. It reminded him of that day Mutsuki had begged them to kill him, had told them he wished he had died. Just like that day, this was about reinforcing love, but now it was Mutsuki’s turn to be sure of his actions. Urie had to make sure that he wasn’t forcing him into anything.

Urie willed himself to not stare at Mutsuki’s lips as he spoke “If you want to do anything you have to initiate. It’s your choice. If you don’t want to that’s okay, we don’t need to, we can just talk. I know that you’re upset with me”

Mutsuki tilted his head up further in attempt to bridge the gap of their height difference “Show me you love me”

He pressed his lips against Urie’s, soft yet sure and Urie found himself kissing back. His heart hammered in his chest as Mutsuki began to stumble backwards towards the bed, pulling him with him. Mutsuki laid down on the bed and Urie settled on top of him, balancing on his elbows so that he wouldn’t crush him with his weight. Mutsuki took Urie’s hand and pushed it under his clothing working it up, up, up until he could almost-

“Wait-Wait!” he panted heavily, pushing himself back on his knees. It was too fast too soon. They should talk about this-about them. He didn’t even know what to call them. Lovers was too vile and dismissive of their friendship. They weren’t quite dating (yet?) and friends certainly don’t do this.

A flash of disappointment flitted across Mutsuki’s flushed face and he tugged his jumper back down, in attempt to retain his composure “You don’t want to?”

“(You have no idea, Tooru) I do-It’s just. What are we? I love you and you love me but are we…friends?”

His lips quirked upwards. All previous signs of discontent from stopping now replaced with a threat of laughter. He really is beautiful. Urie resolves to paint him like this later. “Do you usually do this with your _friends_?”

“Then?” The desperation in his tone strained his ears.

Mutsuki appraised him, settling back against the pillows “Boyfriends? I mean, if you even want to be”

The insecurity of his last statement caused Urie to frown. He wondered if Mutsuki could see himself the way that he did, would he still question his feelings? He’d spent the last nine months hovering over the phone as soon as he gets home each day, just hoping that day he would be lucky enough to get to speak to Mutsuki again, even if he avoided all questions. His room is filled with enough canvases painted with different images of him from the time they had spent together to convince anyone that he was a crazed stalker if they were to break in. Even Saiko had whistled at the sight and called him unhinged, a hint of sincerity to her joking tone.

Urie reached out to stroke Mutsuki’s arm “That is what I want. We still shouldn’t do anything, though. We haven’t talked about our limits and I don’t have any lube here. You’re supposed to use that the first time so that you won’t get hurt. It’s often recommended to not do everything at once too. I want you to be comfortable”

Although they had never properly discussed what had happened with Torso, Urie had some idea and he knew that future intimacy would likely be impacted. He didn’t want Mutsuki to regret anything that transpired between them. He could wait. They could go on romantic candlelit dinners. He would show off Mutsuki to Takeomi and Yoriko. For Mutsuki, he’d even take hints of romance from Kaneki’s lame books.

“You worry too much. How do you know all of this anyway?” Mutsuki teased lightly before the shine in his eyes dulled “Do you have…did you… while I was gone?”

“I- (god Tooru why did you have to ask me this. How embarrassing. But is he…jealous?)” Urie screwed his eyes shut, finally understanding the man formerly known as Sasaki’s sacrificial nature. “I looked it up online” He admitted.

“You don’t have to lie to me…it’s okay. I understand” He responded, though his expressive face betrayed him. Under the surface of Mutsuki’s acceptance Urie could see that his previous amusement has been painted in an emotion that feels as blue as the colour still splattered on Urie’s hands.

“I’m not!” Urie protested, wondering momentarily if a world of embarrassment and shame is worth this. Unfortunately, for his self-esteem, it was. “I looked it up so I could imagine with you properly (To also plan in case it ever came true. I wanted to be good for you)”

A strand of Mutsuki’s now white hair fell across his forehead as he wrinkled his brow in confusion and Urie resisted the urge to brush it away. “Imagine?”

“( **Fuck** )” He winced as the self-flagellation of shame hit. He made a crude hand gesture “Y’know”

Understanding dawned on Mutsuki’s face and he quickly looked away, fidgeting with the bottom of his jumper. “Oh”

“I’m sorry”

“How long have you been thinking of that?” Mutsuki’s tone, devoid of any emotion that would indicate his feelings on the matter served to only worsen the panic threatening to spill over Urie’s typically stoic façade.

He smiled weakly although he can imagine it surfaced as more of a grimace “Remember that time I punched you in the stomach?”

Silence.

He sucked in a harsh breath “God, I’m sorry Mutsuki (I’ve fucked everything up. Tooru will never want to visit us again and I’ll disappoint Saiko and she’ll leave me too. Shirazu would be so disappointed)

A burning wave of embers washed away his consternation as Mutsuki sat up, swung his legs over Urie’s lap and kissed him with as much force as Urie wished he had last time the man left. His lips were slightly chapped, but the world was painted in shades of wine and all he could think, hear and see was Mutsuki, Mutsuki, Mutsuki. He knew he should push him off, they should talk about it more before they regretted anything but as he heard a soft moan, low in the back of Mutsuki’s throat, all sensibilities were thrown out the window.

Urie’s tongue pushed against Mutsuki’s, gentle and explorative at first, becoming more demanding when Mutsuki ground into his lap and let out a whine. Nail marks surely marred his back from how hard Mutsuki was digging into him. Urie’s hands ventured from where they had previously been gripping Mutsuki’s hips, to underneath his jumper. He paused at the feeling of smooth, muscled skin, wondering if it would be okay for him to ask for it to be taken off. They had never really discussed Mutsuki’s gender identity, save for the realisation at the auction. All Urie knew was that Mutsuki liked to be addressed as a man and wore a binder that he had discovered one day while doing laundry when they all still lived at the chateau and he respected that. Maybe it would make him uncomfortable to be seen completely bare.

Mutsuki unwound his arms from Urie and reached towards the bottom of his jumper emitting a sound that was almost a laugh “You just had to ask”

As he undressed, Urie shamelessly stared. He would probably berate himself for it later. For now, though, all he could focus on was swollen lips, glassy eyes and the sight of exposed skin. Upon seeing Urie’s expression, Mutsuki’s small smile turned into a smirk, proud that he had reduced Urie to this state. Confident. Urie found that he liked that expression on Mutsuki and cupped his jaw, kissing him with renewed fervour. Mutsuki moved back and angled his head to lightly bite and suck at Urie’s neck, his tongue brushing over the small bruises left as a claim.

“Are you sure you want this? Don’t feel like you have to do anything. It’s so quick I just want you to be-” Another kiss covered his mouth, teeth lightly teasing his lower lip. 

“Urie” Mutsuki breathed, to look at him with a fierce expression “I want you right now and the last thing I want is for you to try to talk me out of it”

“(No, you deserve more than this. It should be special) I don’t have any stu-“

“- ** _I don’t care!_** I don’t need perfect, Urie. I just want you. I need you. Please trust me”

They shouldn’t. It was too soon. It could hurt and he didn’t want Mutsuki to feel any more pain. But he didn’t argue.

Mutsuki bit his lower lip in contemplation, uncertain. The sight of him reminded Urie of the boy he first met. The one who he called a hypocrite, the one he was rude to, the one who he fell in love with. Urie knows that Mutsuki is a much different man now, and yet, when Mutsuki’s fingers slipped tentatively under his shirt, meeting his gaze with a determined look, he knew that he wouldn’t change anything.

“Take off your shirt” Mutsuki ordered.

Urie Obeyed.

*****

They laid bare against the sheets, panting as they came to, awash with the afterglow of their activities. It was clumsy and awkward, fumbling fingers struggled to undo buttons and attempts at communication had come out as meek and insecure. It wasn’t perfect, and nothing like those ridiculous books that Kaneki had taken up reading recently, but Urie found that he didn’t mind. He reached out to stroke Mutsuki’s slightly damp hair. He really didn’t mind at all.

“That was…” Mutsuki spoke into his neck, breath still heavy with exertion.

“Yeah, it was (wow)”

Mutsuki pressed a kiss against the tormented skin of his neck “I’m glad I came to visit after all. I almost didn’t”

That didn’t surprise Urie. Mutsuki had avoided answering when he intended to visit when he’d asked during each phone call. Maybe he hadn’t intended to visit at all. “What made you come?”

He let out a slight giggle “Juuzou. He, uh, kinda made me realise I might be in love with you”

“Juuzou?” Maybe a lot had changed in nine months or perhaps he just had a secret side to him around Mutsuki, but that did not sound like the man Urie was familiar with. The Juuzou he knows would sooner debate candy brands than discuss romance.

“Mmm yeah” Mutsuki murmured, beginning to trace nonsensical patterns onto Urie’s bare chest “He told me I talk about you too much, but he said that’s okay because he talks about Shinohara too much too. I don’t think I love you the same way he loves Shinohara, though”

Urie let out a huff of air “I hope not”

Mutsuki chuckled “He told me I was being a coward and that I was dumb”

“He’s never been one to mince words (Or save feelings)”

“I wasn’t sure if I deserved to be loved. I guess I just thought you might give up on me eventually if I stayed away”

Urie moved his hands from their place in Mutsuki’s hair until they trailed down to his arms, stroking in a way he hoped was comforting. “I’m glad you came. You could…you could come home, you know. If you wanted to”

“I do want to be with you and Saiko, but I don’t think I’m ready yet. I still have my job to think about too”

“I know. I just really missed you. We can manage it. How hard can long distance be?”

“Kuki” Mutsuki’s eyes flickered to his own, uncertain of Urie’s reaction to the use of his first name, but continued when he saw Urie smile “I love you, but I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you for reading my file but…do you think one day when I’m ready to talk about it properly, you would listen?”

He breathed out a soft sigh “I know, and that’s okay. I’ll always be here to support you no matter how much you choose to share. What I did was wrong and I’ll spend my whole life making up to you if you have to”

He blinked owlishly “Your whole life?”

“And then some (I’m sorry Tooru)”

Mutsuki grinned, fingers tracing the bruises upon his boyfriend’s neck “How about leaving your neck uncovered for Saiko to see when she gets back to start off”

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be 1k words and pure fluff, I swear. I have not written any fic in 6 years but recently I’ve just had the urge to jump back into it! I originally started writing an ayahina series but have semi scrapped it. In the meantime, however, I wrote this. I went back and forth on whether to write a proper sex scene for this fic but I felt like it may have seemed a little out of place to have something so explicit here. This was also my first time writing any sort of kissing and it is so much more difficult than it seems. I will be writing a follow up piece to this where our new couple talks to Kaneki and Touka and sorts out their issues so maybe I might add a sex scene in that one? We’ll see. I hope you enjoy <3
> 
> Poor Mutsuki having to have sex in a room full of paintings of him how awkward lol


End file.
